We live in a city where children enter the school system at the age of three. Uniforms, homework, student handbook, report card, you name it, have become part of our life. Learning has always been promoted as an enjoyable process in our household; therefore, we tend to put little emphasis on getting the homework done perfectly. Of course, when a worksheet comes home with only two, not four stickers on it, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. How cruel is it to grade a 3-year-old’s work! Our boy has already learned the meaning of a tick in red on his homework sheets!
On the bright side, he generally enjoys doing his homework. He wouldn’t follow the instructions strictly, however. Circling the Bs is just not much fun, and frankly, why should he leave out the Ds and Es? The white space on a worksheet is surely for extra drawing, isn’t it? It is called decoration, I am convinced of that!
Then, there are days, without any trigger or logical reason, when he simply refuses to get dressed for school. There are tears, followed by curling up in bed. No amount of talking, bargaining, threatening is going to change his mind. The mind of a child who refuses to go to school is not easily convinced!
Is it manipulation? Is it defiance? Is it separation anxiety? Is it just a developmental phase? There are different ways to explain school refusal. Occasional occurence is normal. When it happens continuously without logical explanation, then it can become an issue – an issue for the parent who is trapped between the expectation from the school system and the guilt of sending this crying child to school, who clearly can do with a day off! After all, don’t we grown-ups need a “blanket day” every now and then? Besides, how can we force a 3-year-old to go to school when he isn’t feeling up to it? (Sometimes I do wonder if I would still give allowance to my child when he is 7! Surely, he is only 7! Eighteen years ago when I started teaching, children entered grade 1 only at the age of 7!)
But somehow, I find the patience and the courage to act sensibly. I remind him of the positive school experiences last week. I reframe his mind by recalling the stories and songs he has been learning. I sing those songs. The crying doesn’t stop, but I hug him and continue to remind him of our routine of packing his bag, cleaning his face, and putting socks and shoes on. I don’t make a fuss with the uniform. It does not bother me if he has to go to school in his pajama. Explaining to his friends and teachers would be the consequence he has to face. Do I then get a calm and cooperative child? No, not really! Crying and kicking continues, but I choose not to react to it. (Of course it is hard! Once I carried him all the way to school – thankfully it is within walking distance from home.). From my experience thus far, he calms down a lot quicker when I stay calm (mental note to self!).
Here is my rationale. Knowing that our boy is the strong-willed, sensitive and argumentative type, school refusal is something that we will have to deal with again and again in the years to come. By not complying to his demand, I try to teach him to face what may be perceived as unpleasant. I try to teach him the importance of being consistent and showing up. I try to show him that no matter how scary or unpleasant it feels in some situations, I will try my best to be there for him – not to take the challenge away, but to go through it together.
On further reflection, maybe I should take his homework a little more seriously from now on…just a little!